


A Deck in the Hand [is worth two in a bush]

by ScatteredWitch



Category: Fallout (Video Games), Fallout 4
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, Developing Friendships, Emotional Hurt, Gallows Humor, Grief/Mourning, Healing from trauma, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Muteness, Original Character(s), Past Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slavery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-24
Updated: 2019-10-25
Packaged: 2021-01-02 05:09:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21156131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScatteredWitch/pseuds/ScatteredWitch
Summary: A woman is brought into the fold of the Cabot family, and a tidal wave isn't far behind. She can't remember much of her past and can't verbalize her future. She feels lost and naked without her collar. But she can't go back - not when the cat still has her tongue.Deegan's got his routine down pat, he has 200 years of practice. But change has perpetual momentum and he may soon find that his world has morphed once again. He just wants to march around in his rut. Why can't the world just leave him be?Is it a race against time or more of a game of hide-and-seek? Perhaps it's all just prolonging the inevitable as pasts are known to be excellent trackers of their owners.





	1. The Fool

**Author's Note:**

> Let's give a quick rundown-  
>Rating will definitely be changing as we trudge on.  
>The protag isn't SoSu (but SoSu does have a part to play later), she's an original character. [crafted with love]  
>Mentions of abuse (sexual and physical), descriptions of violence and gore, sometime cannon and sometimes grittier.  
>I'm trying to keep things ~sort~ of under wraps [maybe cuz I don't even know what I'm writing lul] but if you have a suggestion for a tag I'd love to hear it! I try to get the triggers but some might have slipped my mind.  
>It's a genuine writing with plot but also kind of self-indulgent. You're forewarned. 
> 
> Thank you so much for you interest! I hope you find what you're looking for in this story - or perhaps something you didn't even know you were looking for! Enjoy~

“Edward? Edward what is the meaning of this? Who is this girl?” Wilhelmina was quick to pick up on the commotion going on in her living room and wasted no time involving herself.

“Edward, where did you find her? Who is she?” Jack asked his long-time companion.

The ghoul sighed and glanced at the mystery woman again. “Remember the raider activity that guys reported?”

“Of course.”

“Well… when we went down today to clear them out of an abandoned building – bit north of the creamery, and we found her in the back. She wasn’t the only one but she’s the only one still alive. Turns out they weren’t raiders-”

“Slavers have made it this far north?” Jack’s voice was high with anxiety.

“Oh dear,” Wilhelmina clutched her chest, “just when I thought it couldn’t possibly get any worse.”

“Slavers – fucking trash.” Emogene slipped around the corner and glided into the living room. She ignored her mother’s loud irritation with an eye roll. “I’m sorry but we’re talking about the low of the low here. Opportunistic bottom feeders.”

The posh, well-cleaned living room was preserved and spotless as usual – save for the haggard unconscious woman lying on the tan loveseat. The whole Cabot family (minus Lorenzo of course) was quick to converge. Deegan arriving and placing an unconscious and unknown woman in their living room was one of the most exciting things to happen since… perhaps the bombs dropping.

At the time the plain couch had seemed like a good spot for the guest, but now Deegan was getting the feeling that soon he’d be privy to an earful from Wilhelmina about the stains and dirt that were inevitably going to be left behind.

It wasn’t easy finding pre-war furniture in mint condition after all.

“None of the others were alive?” Jack asked Deegan, ignoring the drone of his mother’s tongue-lashing and Emogene’s staunch indifference.

“A handful of them were alive when we were doing recon this morning but once the fire fight started things got dicey. The slavers used them as shields and others got caught in the crossfire. Once we made our way in and took care of them we attempted to save whoever we could but – ah…” Deegan shook his head.

“A waste of life,” Emogene mumbled.

“A damn shame,” Jack noted in a somber tone. “Why bring her all the way here?”

“I couldn’t risk taking her to the asylum. She’s an unknown. Didn’t want any remaining slavers to track her there either, and she still has-” Deegan motioned to his neck. Just thinking of the very word made him queasy.

Wilhelmina didn’t take too kindly to the forethought though. “You brought her here?! Despite that?! Edward, are you trying to kill us once and for all?”

Deegan flinched as Wilhelmina’s shrill voice echoed through his skull. All the deplorable and disgusting shit he had to see and apparently the battle wasn’t over yet. It wasn’t his place to say anything to that though, at least not anything that wasn’t in agreeance to what Mrs. Cabot wanted to hear. Luckily Jack was quick on his feet and used to his mother’s outbursts.

“Mother, that’s all the more reason to _not _bring her to the asylum. Edward was just thinking about what was best for us,” Jack reminded the elderly woman. He jumped up. “I’ll grab my tools. I’ll make quick work of it yet!” He bounded up the stairs.

Emogene took the opportunity to kneel down beside the couch and inspect their houseguest. She carefully pushed aside the matted and unkempt brown hair, only to gasp at the purple splotches that dotted the face beneath. “Edward, I do hope it was a good idea to bring her here like this. She looks terrible.”

“I did check to see if she had any serious wounds but other than surface injuries and her unconscious state she seemed fine for moving.”

Deegan watched as Wilhelmina brought a hand to her head. “Dear, I’m sure Edward has done his due diligence as always. I’m going to… go lie down now. I hardly need to be around for the excitement that Jack’s planning.” He moved towards Wilhelmina with intent to walk her to her room, but she waved him off. “You stay here Edward in case, God forbid, anything should happen.”

“Yes ma’am.” Wilhelmina hobbled out of the living room and disappeared around the corner, to Deegan’s relief, without incident. He turned his attention to Emogene, who was still studying the unconscious woman.

“I wonder why her collar didn’t go off,” she mumbled.

“I would guess that the slavers got complacent and dropped their guards as well as the remotes. Only one of them detonated and from what I saw that was because the woman wearing it tried to pry it off.” Deegan’s stomach churned and he pushed away the images that popped up.

Emogene’s eyes were large and glassy. “That must’ve been terrible…” There was a loud crash from up the stairs and they both flinched; careful eyes turned to if there was any effect on the woman, but she didn’t twitch a single muscle. It’d be easy to mistake her for dead if her chest wasn’t moving. “You think she’ll wake up?”

“Do not worry! I only dropped a couple of tools! I’ll be down in a moment!” Jack’s shout carried through the house easily.

Deegan sighed. “I hope so. It’d be good to know if we should be expecting more slavers. We could see if they knew just exactly what they were camping out so close to.” He caught Emogene’s heavy stare and tensed.

“Of course you’re thinking about this from a _work_ perspective.” Her face and voice were tight. “I was expecting more a humanitarian answer because wouldn’t it be nice if just one of them didn’t die and we could help someone-”

A bit wounded and a spot annoyed, Deegan swallowed his tongue and considered his words. “Slavers, Emogene. Death, escape from those memories, might be the better option. Speaking from a _humanitarian_ point of view.” _Just doing my job and I still can’t win._

He had worked for this family longer than any person should work – for any one or thing or cause really, but still there were times when the narcissism blindsided him. Their world was so insular and protected - what could they possibly understand about the barbarism that went on outside of the walls?

The tenseness in Emogene’s shoulders lessened but only a second later they sagged. “Death as a merciful escape…”

Deegan could practically see the image of Lorenzo in Emogene’s mind. Suddenly it felt like he’d stuck his foot in his mouth. _But did I really say anything wrong? What’s wrong with a pragmatic viewpoint? If information about the slavers allows us to prevent the slavers from encroaching upon our lives here, we could help people…_

But it wrung so hollow and the taste it left in Deegan’s mind was bitter enough to turn his back to Emogene. Even if they did manage to get information about slavers moving north what would they do about it? The chances of the Cabot family making any sort of move to genuinely help the people of the Commonwealth was so slim not even the world’s worst gambler would take that bet. At _most_ it’d be Deegan telling his men to spread the word that slavers were moving in and then…

Well it’d be out of the Cabot family’s hands at the point and they could go back to worrying about their own lives; they’d done all they could.

_Enough. _Deegan shoved away his train of thought. It could be something he dealt with much later, as usual, he decided – in his coat closet of a room.

Jack bounded down the stairs, clearly amped up and ready to get to work. Deegan watched him with wry amusement and he nearly bowled over Emogene. She swore at him heavily but it rolled off of him like rain on a window. “No time to waste, Emogene. I need to take a quick reading of pulse and blood pressure…” his words faded into static for Deegan.

What the world could’ve been… and what it had become…

“Edward!” Jack’s voice cut through his reverie and Deegan jumped to attention. “You and Emogene stand back. I’m ready to remove the collar now!”

Emogene was quick to assert that she was more than capable of moving herself out of the room. As she slipped around the corner to the entryway, Deegan spared Jack one last look before following. Both Emogene and Deegan stood in silence, not daring to even peek around the corner, or move. It seemed to be calm as Jack worked methodically. At least until he said the two words you don’t want to hear when one works on a high stakes operation.

“Hmmm… that’s odd.” Jack’s voice was just loud enough for Emogene and Deegan to catch it; the two of them locked eyes in a wordless, shared panic.

“Jack? What’s wrong?” Deegan asked.

“It’s nothing to major, no worries. Just a bit of a surprise here. Feel free to come back in. There’s no need to worry about an explosion.”

Emogene brushed past the ghoul without a word to him. “What do you mean? No explosion?”

“It’s not that kind of collar – shocking right? I never knew slavers used any other kind of collar than those that detonate! Fascinating.” Jack’s delight over his discovery didn’t slow down his work. “Edward, you did say that one other collar detonated, correct? On the other slaves – were their collars also explosive ones?”

The bloody explosion of that woman brushed across Deegan’s mind once more. “There was that one that exploded but we didn’t check the others. I’ll let Maria know.” Curious as all hell Deegan stood over Jack’s shoulder to get a look at the collar himself. “The hell kind of… collar is it then?”

“See this compartment here? There’s a small spring here that connects to a needle-”

“Poison,” Emogene cut off Jack. “They have her in a collar loaded with poison.”

“Actually there are multiple compartments, meaning not only poison. It seems that there’s more than one type of serum, likely also meaning multiple affects. Luckily this also means that her remote would look very different from the others. If I had to I’d guess that it had at least five buttons on it. I believe that the standard ones have only two buttons.”

“It’ll be easy to see how many others have this kind of collar then,” Deegan said.

“You can take it off her still, right?” Emogene’s voice was thin.

Jack nodded and adjusted his glasses. “If anything it’s easier now. Of course afterwards I will have to see what exactly is in each of these compartments and, assuming it’s as unique as it seems, I may be able to figure out where exactly these slavers came from.”

“Well don’t keep us in suspense, Jack, get the damn thing off of her!”

“Of course.”

It only took a couple of more minutes of fiddling before the device popped open. The click caused Emogene to jump – but Deegan noticed something far more interesting.

“Her hand just moved.”

Jack placed the collar gently on the ground. “What’s that?”

“Her hand,” Deegan said, “it just moved when you took that off her neck.”

“Her face is twitching,” Emogene observed as she pulled herself off the floor. “Jack-”

“I see. Her breathing is becoming more labored.” Fingers pressed to her wrist, Jack studied the watch on his wrist with a trained stillness. “Her pulse is picking up – no longer resting. Perhaps it-”

Deegan grabbed both Jack and Emogene by their shoulders and pulled them back. The woman’s eyes were open. Deep brown with gold flecks. Her eyes flicked wildly across the room before they stopped on Deegan – the sudden eye contact had him frozen like a red-handed raccoon. Neither of them blinked.

_This can’t be good._

She let out a shuddery breath before slowly pushing herself into a seated position. Her arms shook, whether from fear or effort it wasn’t clear. Despite her matted hair and dirty complexion she made no move to preen. Instead she seemed to be trying to take in her surroundings.

The tense calm of the room hung heavy. At least until the woman’s hands flew to her neck. Gaze turning down to her chest before flying back towards his face. Now panting like a dog, she shook her head violently.

Emogene pulled against Deegan’s grip as she addressed the woman. “It’s okay-” with nothing more than Emogene’s raised hand, the woman recoiled as if boiling water had been flung at her.

Her eyes were glassy. She glanced over Deegan’s shoulder. He tensed. “Don’t-”

She sprung from the couch like a bat out of hell. Deegan was ready though. Shoving Jack and Emogene out of her range, he grabbed at the woman. She nearly slipped out of his grasp when he struggled to account for her short stature. However her legs were still weak as she was unable to keep her footing when she tried to spin around him. Deegan seized the chance to bring her down.

It took concentration. He had to make sure that he didn’t harm her accidentally. He was much larger, stronger, _a ghoul_, and not handicapped by neglect. She was small, thin, and blindly panicking.

So much concentration was required for him that he nearly missed the keening warble that bubbled from her chest. Managing to get a firm grip on her midsection a strangled cry nearly had him letting go.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Please!” Her voice was scratchy enough he could’ve mistaken her for a ghoul. At least that would’ve been the case if he hadn’t already seen and felt the proof that she wasn’t.

As quick as she had sprang up and fought, she went limp. Suddenly silent and rag dolling, the sudden collapse of her weight sent Deegan stumbling. His foot got caught on hers. They both went down. Confused and disoriented, he managed to not crush her beneath him but he still lost his breath.

“Goddamn-” He sat up and got a firm grip on her shoulders, hoping to gain control of the situation. “Don’t-” He wasn’t sure how that sentence was going to end but it died in his mouth.

Her eyes were screwed shut, face thrown to the side exposing her neck in submission, her lips were red with blood as she silenced her whimpers with teeth to the skin. Her breathing was erratic and through his armor Deegan could feel her shaking. _She smells like fear. _

It was a smell that, despite his long life and career path (or because of it), hadn’t caught attention in a long time. Something about this whole scenario plucked a chord within him that he’d silenced for a long time. Death and gore, he thought those had silenced his capacity for guilt a long time ago.

“Edward! Get off her!” Emogene’s shrill demand didn’t prepare him for her full body slam that followed. It would’ve been easy enough for him to shrug off but he allowed himself to be pushed off. The woman seemed to hardly be any sort of danger now and he didn’t need her to feel that he was shaking now.

Emogene adopted a soothing voice as she knelt beside the mysterious woman. Deegan listened as words of nicety and calming bubbled from her. He rolled over and up into standing position before checking to see where Jack had gotten to. Not too shockingly he was fiddling with the collar.

“Jack, what are you doing?” Deegan asked without sparing a second glance. Emogene’s words seemed to be having the desired effect on the woman but it wouldn’t hurt to keep a close eye on her.

“I believe that she was sleeping because she had recently been injected with a sleeping serum – this large compartment here is likely where it’s hidden. I would guess then that they were hoping to keep her alive for some reason.”

“That doesn’t really help.”

“On the contrary, Edward! Figuring out the side effect of the serums used on her could help us figure out if she’ll go into withdrawal soon or even what was so special about her in the first place that she had such a collar.”

_Helping in the way that he can best, I suppose._ Deegan nodded.

“Edward? Could you grab me a bowl of water and a towel?” Emogene’s voice was much softer than he was accustomed to.

“Of course,” he said. He made brief eye contact with the mystery woman once more but it only caused her to shrink back and avert her gaze. Back when he first turned ghoul that hurt, but over the many years he’d been alive it was something he’d gotten more than used to. Ghouls were never kind on the eyes.

He made sure the water was at least lukewarm and grabbed a dark towel so he wouldn’t have to hear Wilhelmina complain about the stains.


	2. The Magician [reversed]

The clacking of silverware on ceramic was deafening. Deegan shifted his weight once more and glanced over the dining room. Breakfast was a family affair so all three of the available Cabots were present at the table. Deegan took his breakfast down in the basement most mornings before heading out to make his rounds at the asylum so he rarely saw the Cabot family breakfast for himself. However it appeared that Jack wanted to cover ground about their houseguest.

“How are things looking at the asylum, Edward?” Jack took a sip of juice. “Anymore activity nearby yet?”

_Has this house always been so stuffy? Of course it has. _“Not from what we can see. Maria has expanded the search radius again, but we haven’t found anything new.”

“Interesting.”

Deegan glanced at Emogene - “Where is she anyway?” A week since the discovery and they still had no name. It was safe to say that they didn’t have much information at all from the woman, never mind just a name. It grated on Deegan’s nerves to no end. _Just what exactly are we dealing with. I hadn’t expected them to take her in like a stray…_

The blond-haired woman picked at her toast with disinterest. “She’s hiding again. Jack, big surprise, freaked her out. Again.” She ignored the look that Jack gave her. “I think she’s disappeared somewhere into the basement. Pushing the issue only freaks her out more so I’m just leaving her be.” She sighed.

_That’s status quo at this point._ Deegan thought. _Not a word out of her and she’s wound tighter than any clock should be. How long will it take for her to snap?_

“I suppose it is my bad,” Jack said. “Had a small explosion while working on figuring out what the serums were composed of. I am happy to report that I’ve finished my preliminary research with them however.” White plate cleaned of food, Jack set his cutlery down with little mind for how loud he was being.

“Anything important?”

“First things first, I’d say it’s important that we give her an addictol. I think she’s going to be suffering from withdrawal – she likely already is considering how pale she’s been but I hypothesize that it’s going to be getting much worse soon.”

“She’s already been sick a few times. I think they were giving her more chems than just what was in the collar. You found a stash of them on the slavers didn’t you, Edward?” Emogene asked.

“This is hardly conversation to be having at the table…” Wilhelmina withered.

Deegan spared her a quick look but as neither Jack nor Emogene even acknowledged the comment he carried on. “Most slavers do use chems as a means of control.” It was just a truth of the business.

“Why bother with the whole collar then?” Emogene asked.

“That’s the million dollar question,” said Jack.

Emogene’s expression soured. “Well how are we going to give her the addictol? We already know she’s terrified of needles.”

Jack adjusted his glasses. “She does go catatonic so it’d be easy to just-”

“We _are not_ going to traumatize her more. Don’t even bother finishing the thought,” Emogene hissed. “We’ll just have to have her ask for it.”

_Because she’s a regular Chatty Cathy. _Deegan swallowed his words. Any normal day and he’d be halfway to the asylum by now – maybe he’d be taking stock of supplies or tinkering with the stove which had a habit of being difficult. But he’d kissed that all goodbye when he brought her in. _It was the right thing to do though, _he reminded himself. He just hadn’t expected her to stay around.

Jack shook his head. “That’s out of the question. If we wait too long it’s possible that she could end up dying. Those serums are dangerous. Withdrawals are serious.”

The irony of that sentence sunk in with everyone in the room.

“Speaking of serum-” Wilhelmina wiped her mouth and placed the napkin on the table.

_Perhaps the irony went over the head of this one. _Deegan once wondered if Wilhelmina even missed her husband, she didn’t seem any worse for wear. Perhaps the answer was “yes”, she had decided to hang around for two centuries after all. Two centuries in a hellish wasteland no less.

“Can we be expecting the next shipment soon?”

“Of course, mother.”

“This isn’t important right now!”

Jack and Emogene shared a tense look. It resulted in Jack folding with a slump of his shoulders and Emogene smirking. She tapped a nail on the table. “We’re talking about the woman right now, mother. Not us. You’ll be fine waiting a bit longer. I’ve had much longer intervals between vials and I’m perfectly fine.”

Wilhelmina clicked her tongue. “Are we not going to name this woman? I’m rather tired of us speaking about her in such vague terms.”

“She’s not a pet.”

“Well clearly. But what’s the alternative? We ask her for a name and she just – what? Tells us?”

“Mother-”

“Just think of it as a nickname then if it helps.” Wilhelmina sighed before standing from the table. “Continue your discussion. I have other business to attend to in the meantime.” She didn’t wait for any input before making her exit.

Emogene snorted. “What could she possibly have to attend to?” She shook her head. “Surely there’s a way to give her addictol without a needle? I see it all over the Commonwealth out of those inhalers. Let’s just do that.”

“It’s not nearly as strong as intravenously and it’s much more difficult to control the dosage. I suppose…” Jack trailed off into muttering. “Well… I could make an oral form I suppose but it would take multiple doses and we already have trouble getting her to eat-”

“Just do that!”

“Very well. It should only take me a couple of hours; I’ll make sure that it’ll be affective for all of the serums in the collar.”

“What were all of those serums anyway? I mean there was a sleeping one, but then what else?”

Deegan knew that Jack was always the kind of share, even overshare information. He was more than capable of withholding information, such as with the Cabot family serum, but in all other instances he never seemed to hold back. However at this very moment Deegan witnessed as Jack hesitated at the opportunity to share information that was being freely asked for.

Shoulders tensed and eyes sharp, Deegan noticed that Emogene adopted the same alarmed look.

“Jack? What was in there?”

Jack cleared his throat. “Well there was the sleeping serum. And then there was also a paralysis one, a deadly poison, a pain inducing serum, a serum that acts much like psycho, and… a very strong serum that acts as an aphrodisiac.”

Emogene’s face turned green and her face froze.

Each day Deegan thought he’d found all he could about the depravity of humans and their capacity for hurting others, yet sometimes he found that the bar moved once again. _All of that in the convenience of a remote. That kind of powering being lorded over someone. _Her reluctance to speak and her submissive actions came from somewhere and each day they were getting a better idea of just how twisted that place looked.

Silence.

“I’m going to go get started on the addictol,” Jack excused himself.

Once he walked out Emogene deflated in her chair, dragging her hands over her face. Deegan caught some of her mutterings but they made little sense to him. Emogene scratched her head with a sigh. “Edward? Could you find her? I’ll… be in my room.”

“You want me to send her to you?”

“Yes, please. Can you try to get her to eat first though?”

“I’ll attempt it,” Deegan said. He considered the uphill fight they’d had all week trying to get her to eat. She was convinced that it was all an elaborate trap waiting to be sprung. Whether she thought it was poison or they were just hiding baseball bats behind their backs he wasn’t sure. However he’d also noticed the missing provisions that disappeared during the night and the soft footsteps that woke him up a couple of mornings at the ass-crack of dawn.

Deegan plated a few pieces of apple, some eggs, and a piece of toast. The walk to the basement seemed shorter than usual. He set the plate on a crate before beginning his search.

He’d spent more time than usual within the Cabot house during the last week, but he hadn’t seen much of the mysterious woman. From the sightings out of the corner of his eyes he knew that Emogene had been successful in cleaning her up and getting her into a change of clothes finally. Her hair was still a mess though as Emogene hadn’t been able to get her to sit still long enough to undo all the tangles, but she was passably clean now.

Her skin was a splotchy tan thanks to the way she had burned around her clothes when she was out in the wastelands. Where the sun hadn’t cooked her was very pale. Her wide eyes were dark and rimmed with both irritated red and dark bags. She was wiry – too thin no doubt, and short. Her nose was large and mouth small and pressed into a frown. Only for a split second he’d glanced her eating the other afternoon and noticed that her top left lateral incisor was missing before she’d noticed him and run off with a squeak. Jack had placed her age at early to mid-20s.

“Hey…” Deegan’s voice cut out. _What in the hell am I supposed to call her?_ “Hey… I have some food. For you.” He glanced around the room. “You can come out…” Ears straining, he didn’t hear any noise. _I really didn’t want to but- _Deegan clenched his jaw.

He took a long draw of the air. A ghoul does what a ghoul does best. She might be able to hide from his ears and eyes, but there was no chance of escaping a ghoul nose (well there was a lack of nose yet ghouls seemed to carry a nasal skill that humans lacked). _Over behind those crates, eh? _Deegan followed his nose to his left and stopped at the dresser pushed to wall with a couple of crates stacked next to it.

“I know you’re back there.” He waited another pause. _Fear._ “I’m not going to hurt you. None of us are. I brought food.” There was some shifting. Deegan waited; he was nothing if not a patient man. He’d been around for more than two hundred years after all?

A head peeked over a crate. Wide brown eyes studied him with erratic flickers. She made no more of a move than that though. “Food,” Deegan tried to coax her out as he pointed to where he left the plate. She blinked but didn’t move.

_She needs more of an incentive maybe._ Deegan considered which of the provisions had gone missing the most. _Gumdrops, _he realized. _I think I have some of those._ He took the very short walk to his room and grabbed a pack off of his nightstand.

By the time he had turned around and walked back, the woman had peeked out more and was now peeking out to her shoulders. “Here,” Deegan offered as he held out the candy. He was pleased to see that she didn’t so much as flinch from him. She did study his hand and then his face though. “You can have them but you have to come out.”

She considered her options for a moment. Deegan made sure to stay very still without getting tense.

_Hallelujah._ Deegan mentally rejoiced as she slowly emerged. She was wearing a grey calf length dress with a blue cardigan. The skin on her neck was still irritated and marred and the scars on her arms jumped out as she stepped over a crate and reached slowly for the candy. Deegan handed it over carefully making sure to not brush fingers in case that set her off again.

Her face, usually fearful, was neutral. She turned the candy over in her hands before biting her lip. To his confusion she turned and set the candy down. She reached up and scratched at her shoulder.

“What-?” Deegan didn’t even get to finish voicing his question before the woman’s dress and cardigan was suddenly no longer on her shoulders. In fact it was quickly slipping down her chest. “No, no-” Deegan lunged forward without thinking.

He nimbly grabbed the fabric and was attempting to pull it back up before she surprised him once again by stepping forward to press her body into his. He moved his head to narrowly avoid her mouth on his but he wasn’t able to avoid her hand on his crotch.

He pushed here back away from him, careful to not let go of her clothes in case she continued to attempt to disrobe. “No. Why would you even-” He watched her glance at the gumdrops without turning her head then back at him. His stomach rolled. _Slavers. _It was a real shame that they were already all dead and rotting in those woods.

“You don’t have to do that – this. You don’t owe me for the damn candy. I just want you to come upstairs. Do you understand?” When she didn’t react Deegan tilted his head in prompt. Her face was one of confusion but she nodded slowly. “I’m going to let go. Pull your dress back up?” She nodded with no hesitation this time.

She wasn’t showing anything “indecent” but Deegan averted his eyes anyway. Only once he heard her fiddling with the wrapper of the candy did he look at her again. “That whole… don’t do that again. You don’t owe me – or anyone, in that way. Okay?”

He watched as she appraised him with a slow eye. She seemed to be weighing the truth of his words in her head. She nodded softly. Then he watched as her mouth opened; no sound came out and her brows furrowed. A couple more times it opened and closed without a word before she looked at him with her eyes large once again.

Deegan read between the lines. “You’re forgiven.” He tilted his head towards the stairs. “I’ll grab your plate and let’s head up.” Her expression didn’t change though. Her jaw was working as her eyes strayed. _So even when she wants to talk she still can’t? It’s not just a choice then._

It was a big step forward, her wanting to express herself. He couldn’t just let it slide back into nothing. Deegan glanced around the room before he spotted a possible solution. He picked it up and dusted it off. “Here,” he said as he handed an old notebook to the woman, “I think Emogene has a few pencils sitting around. You should ask her about it after you eat.” _Should give her some outlet to express herself._

While the woman didn’t so much as ask Emogene about pencils for the notebook as she did gesture to it with a tilted head and confused face, she did take off running with it. As it turns out their houseguest was a very good artist and had this been pre-war era she probably could’ve made a living with it.

“You’re very skilled,” Emogene complimented from her poised position on her bed. Deegan noticed that it caused the woman to smile, and despite how small it was he could see that Emogene saw it as well. Her face turned sunny as she watched the woman continue her sketch of the (fake) flowers on Emogene’s nightstand. “What do you think, Edward?”

Deegan’s eyes widened. “Me? I’m not much of an art critic…”

“But wouldn’t you say she’s very skilled?” Emogene asked. The woman took notice of their conversation and looked up from her drawing. Eyes wide, but face otherwise neutral, she tilted her head.

_Why does my opinion suddenly matter?_ “Of course I would.” Deegan tried not to give away his suspicion.

“No tips to offer?”

If he wasn’t suspicious before…

Figuring he’d give some attempt that would hopefully appease the nosy woman, Deegan stepped forward to get a better look. It was a very skilled drawing definitely; he’d also bet it was some of the nicest art that had been made since the bombs dropped. Humanity scrounging for survival and acting by only its basest instincts had a way of stomping out appreciation (or even the ability and choice in the matter) of the arts.

“The perspective is flat – but it looks good,” Deegan offered with a shrug. And there was that damn twinkle in Emogene’s eyes again.

“From one artist to another?” Emogene asked.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, miss.” He didn’t miss the roll of Emogene’s eyes nor the sudden interest from the woman.

Emogene’s mouth opened but she closed it without a word. Her brown eyes turned back to the woman crouched on the floor. “Well, dear, rumor has it that Edward is an artist himself. Perhaps he could show you his work sometime.” Deegan made no motion to indicate he was even listening. “Regardless you can have the supplies of mine – I have no need for them and since mother can no longer strong-arm me into taking art classes so they’re all yours!”

_How does she even know about my drawing? I thought I kept that well-hidden._ Deegan figured himself to be a utilitarian man. Art had its place but he was a man of responsibility and rigor out in a defacto-military wasteland, there was no place for frills or distractions for him. Despite that drawing and painting had become a guilty pleasure especially considering how difficult it could be to procure supplies while trying to keep it quiet. He was a man of privacy.

No matter. He could figure out the apparent trail he left for Emogene to find later. He’d deny her accusations of frivolous behavior and make sure to erase the tracks for any future snoopers.

“You know what? That rose you’re drawing gives me an idea. You won’t give us a name to call you but we do need something to call you by… Mother has a point, as much as I hate to admit it. So how about just that? Rose?”

“Now?” Deegan couldn’t help but question.

Emogene sighed. “Well if I did it when the others were around they’d want to get involved as well and then we’d never be able to settle on a name. Besides I’d sooner kiss a supermutant than admit in front of mother that she had a point. About anything. You give that woman an inch…” She shook her head. “What do you think?” she asked the woman sitting by her feet.

Deegan watched as the woman glanced between the two of them. The hand she had been sketching with stilled and she placed the notebook on the floor. She bit her lip and teased it until Deegan was sure she was ripping up skin.

“Do you like it?” Emogene prompted.

The woman paused before nodding.

Emogene’s face split into a smile. “So then you’d like to go by Rose, Rose?”

The woman, Rose, nodded vigorously this time. She sported a small smile.

Deegan held in a sigh. He could hear Jack calling for him, voice bouncing through the halls easily. “Right…” Deegan massaged a temple. “Let’s go… Rose. Jack is ready.”

Not even two weeks in the family and Rose was turning into his favorite: if only because she didn’t run off with a lover and fight when he tried to take her back home, or endlessly fixate over banal details of the house with such anal reticence it was wonder that a black hole didn’t just spontaneously form, or milk her alien tainted father for magical juice.

_How many more years until retirement is it? _Deegan wondered humorlessly. _How old is 65 years in ghoul time?_ He watched as Rose gathered the drawing supplies that Emogene had gifted.

She dropped one pencil, bent down to grab it, and dropped another. Emogene’s attention was already turned to other business – some letter for her that had arrived recently (likely a sordid lover), and wasn’t much help.

_Right._ “Here,” Deegan offered outstretched hands, “let me carry it.” Rose waffled for a moment before handing over two notebooks and a handful of colored pencils. Deegan wasn’t sure why she wasn’t also taking a cup or something – really any vessel for the pencils would’ve been helpful – but he wasn’t going to butt in.

They made it as far as the hallway before Rose stopped and turned back towards Emogene. She cleared her throat a couple of times, which sounded remarkably clear and normal, then opened her mouth. The noise that came out was less than clear or normal sounding. Its rasp and sharp edges sounded like a voice of someone who had spent the better part of a day screaming. Rose sputtered for a second before trying again.

By this time Emogene’s attention for her letter had been broken and she watched with wide eyes. To be fair Deegan couldn’t help but remain completely motionless as he watched on too; he worried that any movement could send Rose scurrying off in violent guilt and into hiding once more, and that’d ruin his chances of hearing her speak for the first time since her arrival.

“Than-” Rose cleared her throat and coughed. Hands to her neck, grasping at a collar that was no longer there, she tried again. “Thang-k…you.” The enunciation and intonation were messy but they were recognizable words.

Emogene’s mouth hung open. “I-…” She glanced to Deegan for answers (to questions he didn’t even know) before flicking back to Rose. She blinked rapidly. “You’re welcome, Rose.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's keep this train rolling. Choo choo~
> 
> Anyone else feel cheated that they couldn't have Deegan as a companion?


	3. The High Priestess [reversed]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love tarot.

“I have no answers, Edward.”

Deegan had to admit that the world was a confusing place. Why would people, granted with intelligence and empathy, accelerate everything to global catastrophe? What dominos had to fall for it to crescendo into a climax punctuated with death and destruction? Would the world ever recover? Would it happen again?

Despite the death and destruction life limped on, and the answers to most things Jack looked into couldn’t elude him for long. Hard data, trial and error, and scientific procedure were integral to Jack’s character. The two exceptions however? The curious case of Lorenzo’s inability to separate from the alien technology he found and, evidently, why speaking was nearly impossible for Rose.

The aforementioned woman was perched on one of Jack’s tables in his laboratory, having been placed there at Jack’s discretion and with a little help from Deegan. It went without saying that she had been less than calm about being lifted up but she wouldn’t have been able to make it up in her current condition otherwise. Only two weeks since her liberation meant that she hadn’t had much time to recover yet – especially in relation to the amount of time of abuse and neglect she endured.

Her hair was looking more manageable and her bruises were fading into a sickly yellow-green but she was still thin and her sunken eyes with dark bags stubbornly remained the same. Emogene still couldn’t persuade her to take a shower; the bathroom continued to be a room she was adamant about not entering. She was happy to bath with a washcloth and bowl of water each morning though.

She still refused to eat meals with the Cabot family, preferring to retreat to the basement, and was reluctant to not sleep in the same room as Emogene (on the floor –Emogene had no complaints about it). Although most mornings she could be found in the basement crammed behind some crates, sleeping fitfully. Deegan was woken up a couple of mornings by the overwhelming smell of fear; he figured she was motivated by nightmares.

As worth a mention: besides those two words she said to Emogene days prior, she wasn’t talking.

_At least she’s starting to communicate more. Even if it is just nods and shakes. _Deegan watched as she picked at the hem of the sweater Emogene had given her, sitting ramrod straight with crossed legs. _She usually doesn’t communicate unless asked direct questions though. _It was about par for the course for a victim of slavers though – or at least that’s what Deegan reasoned was to be expected. It wasn’t as if many slaves were able to escape.

“So there’s nothing wrong physically?” Deegan asked.

“Not that I can see,” Jack said. “She did tell me that it physically hurts but she’s had no issues with coughing up blood or spontaneous bruising on the neck. I see no swelling of the tonsils or cysts. She did also tell me that she has had damage done to her neck though – this could be a factor.”

“Damage?”

Jack picked up a clipboard and adjusted his glasses. “Rose indicated yes for choking and being punched in the throat. Damage to the vocal chords is possible.”

Deegan glanced at Rose. They made eye contact for no more than a second before she bowed her head and stared at his boots. He frowned. “Is there a way to fix that?”

“That’s just the thing, Edward. I’m not totally sure that it isn’t psychosomatic; she exhibits the same symptoms while trying to speak that she does when she’s completing other actions that she associates with punishment.”

“Which means?”

“I believe that with time and deconditioning we can help her interact with the world in healthier way – one that won’t leave her voiceless.”

“So… physically she’s alright?”

“The oral addictol that I created for her seems to have worked without a hitch. She does have a slight limp for an old injury and bruises but she’s healing well. She lacking in both fat and muscle mass though and I believe I’ll require your help with remedying that.” _Why not? I’m the everything man after all apparently… _“I’ve also given her a round of the vaccinations that we have and started her on antibiotics for a small tooth infection.”

_HIPPA violation, _Rose thought. She froze. _What’s HIPPA?_ That was a word completely unfamiliar to her, and she had no idea why it was one she knew.

_Patient-doctor confidentiality. _

Rose looked over her left shoulder. Of course there was no one there but… _Who the hell is it in my head that’s giving me these weird words?_ Was this what her head was like? Rose wasn’t even sure anymore. What was a head usually like?

It’d been so long since she’d been back in her head. Or at least she thought it was her head, but perhaps she had floated off and just happened to land in another body. That happened sometimes in movies right? _Movies…_

How long had it been since she’d last been in her head? Sometimes Rat made her come back. Rose hated him for that. Hated him and didn’t understand how the hell he did it; it was some sort of twisted superpower surely – to force her back into her body just so he could enjoy hurting her more? So they all could… it wasn’t fun if she got to float off into the clouds. It hurt a lot less.

Where was Rat anyway?

This house was so bright and clean. Nothing at all like the dirty, dark, and dank musk filled holes she’d lived in. There were no others like her – hell there was even an old lady here. Odd sight. _Must mean she’s a hell of a great fighter to get to that age._ That other woman was like those other girls but not… Gene? She was very nice but not hurt. But also not doing the hurting.

The light in this room was blinding.

The man asked questions and she answered. Words bubbled in her throat but there’s a hidden blade in there cutting them to bits. Now when she opens her mouth nothing but their corpses fall out. It felt wrong to talk; if she kept trying the needle was going to jump out and fill her with that lava. Or at least it felt like lava.

But the collar wasn’t there any longer. She was too light for it to be there and the itch was gone. That damn thing always had an itch under it. _But it’ll come back. It lives with me…_ Every time her hands went to her chest and she couldn’t find the metal or the squeeze or the itch she panicked. Had she taken it off, was it too loose, did it jab her, was she dead now?

They would find her. They would punish her.

Every day without the collar was one more day of punishment.

The throb behind her eyes was becoming a bang. Banging fists at the door – soul spent too long banging around and bouncing in her skull. Maybe her skull was too small, perhaps that’s why it always felt off.

Sift sift sift. Sift through the thoughts and find the instinct. The instinct was all she needed after all. It would guide her – it had. Live by the instinct and the rules and no thought was necessary. Good for when her mind was floating away.

The old lady. The young lady.

The loud man clothed in blinding white. Loud in eyes and ears. Nice though – it seemed like he wanted to help with his poking and prodding. Much more gentle than the normal “checkups” and even included questions to answer. It was a little harder to use instinct in that case; some of Rose’s mind had to sneak back but with it came the hurt.

That other man. Tall, hairless, gravely. Contradictions. That’s what they normally were at least. His kind was usually treated as the same dirt as she was, but give them an ounce of power and worth and they’re meaner than the others. The little guys becoming the big guys, it twists their minds. Of course Rat helped it along with his treats. If everyone is mean to everyone they can stay on top easier.

They all walk around with no mind to guide, only instinct, and instinct is partial to the status quo. No one will rise against you when half of their self is off floating away. It might not be able to return to the right body if they did.

But the collar was gone and her mind was floating even more – no more weight to hold her down maybe. _Or perhaps I’m really dead and all this bright white is the end? The tunnel is filled with odd people. _Rose tried to find the collar again. They told her it’d never come off until she was dead, so what did this mean but that?

The light was too bright though and the man is too loud and it’s all too heavy and she’s tired now though.

_But this might be it – my only chance of getting away._

“Rose, are you feeling alright?” Jack asked. Deegan watched her carefully as Jack set down his clipboard.

She nodded.

Rose’s face had returned to its former expression but Deegan couldn’t shake the shadow that had haunted her face moments before. So far her range of expressions included fear, neutrality, and… not much else. Despite the ghoul couldn’t help but notice one glaring aspect of her visage – no matter what expression she was wearing it was only skin deep. Nothing of life hid behind her eyes, and it was off-putting.

At least until moments earlier when he and Jack had noticed her unnatural stillness; her expression had been so dark but for the first time her eyes looked alive (if eerie).

Deegan quickly squished the nerves that reared their heads. _I’m more than capable of protecting the family from her but… _Cornered animals were the most dangerous and this was a world that could push any animal to its limits. If she snapped there was no telling how it would all crumble. _How long she was with those slavers, how much they played with her mind, the cruelty she may have learned from them: those are all factors I have to consider._ He didn’t have to leave the family to their own devices much, but his next trip out was suddenly looking much less enticing.

If the Cabots died what would that make him other than some remnant of the past with no purpose?

As Deegan was considering the statistics of bringing her with him (not likely and could possibly create more problems than it would relieve) Jack interrupted him. “So the team at the asylum finished the clean up?”

“All the bodies were processed and they followed orders to cover tracks. If any other slavers come looking they should hit a dead end,” Deegan said.

“Wonderful!” Jack picked up one of the deactivated collars that Deegan had received this morning from one of his runners. “And these are all the collars from the slaves?”

“All except for the detonated one.”

“Of course. Good work Edward. In that case it seems that my hypothesis was correct. Now that gives way to the question of why: why was she wearing a collar different from the others?”

Deegan considered the question. “You said that it had a lethal poison in it so it’s not a matter of preservation.”

Fiddling with one of the rustier collars, Jack hummed. “Their collars were designed to detonate if one attempted to take it off however Rose’s collar, as I saw in my experiments, was set to inject the paralysis serum not the lethal poison.”

Deegan grimaced and his skin crawled. “So then it was a matter of preservation. And control. A matter of vested interest.”

“Then why bring her up here? If she’s worth so much alive then why bring her along on their foray into unknown territory?” Jack questioned. “That seems to be a very risky move.”

_That can’t be good information then. _“Likely means they had reinforcements not too far behind. Or at least a retrieval team ready…”

“They’ll be making a return then,” Jack concluded. “Not just that – they’re organized, maybe to a degree we didn’t expect. What did you find on the bodies of the slavers?”

“Six slaves, including Rose, and four slavers-” Deegan cut himself short when Rose knocked loudly on the table she was sitting on. She shook her head. “So not four slavers?” She raised two fingers. _Can she count?_

Jack’s face lit up at Rose’s active interaction. “And the other two?”

“Guards,” Deegan concluded. However Rose brought her hand to her mouth and made a small waving motion. Carefully considering the action Deegan asked, “And?” Rose nodded again. _Guards and what? What would they need- _“Guides?”

Suddenly Deegan remembered the bandanas that they had found. “They hired Gunners,” he turned to face Rose fully as she nodded. _She has life in her eyes. _“But the Gunners weren’t the contacts. Do you know why they came up here?” _Dammit. If the Gunners are in the mix… they might be pissed if they found out we killed some of their men. And definitely means their organized if they’re planning like that._

Rose’s movement stuttered before she shook her head. _She knows something about it – maybe not everything but at least part of it._ It was important but it could also stand to be pushed off until later. There were more pressing matters. “Sorry Jack. We found the Gunner bandanas on the bodies but we thought they had looted them. We didn’t think of the Gunners actually brining slavers in.”

“Not to worry, Edward. This is without a doubt a complicated situation. I do wonder now though…” Jack picked up a piece of plating from a collar and handed it to Rose. “Do you know what this symbol is?”

Deegan could see the glinting outline of a large bird. Rose pulled up the hem of her shirt before either of them could react. Deegan didn’t even get the opportunity to pull her shirt back down (believing it to be the same kind of incident as the other day with the dress) before he saw why she had done that. The same bird, although larger, was branded above her bellybutton. It was almost lost amongst the sea of scars around it.

Neither Jack nor Deegan knew how to react. Finally she dropped her shirt and set the metal plate on the table.

_Of course… we need to focus though. _Deegan cleared his throat. “I know Goodneighbor has an ex-Gunner hiding out there, it might be good to see what he thinks. And we should plan for retaliation from both the Gunners and the-” he gestured to Rose, “slavers.”

It was starting to sound like a lot.

Deegan herded the still shaken Jack to a corner. “Jack, this sounds like it’s going to blow up. Perhaps we should consider-”

“I do hope, Edward, that you’re not going to suggest handing her over,” Jack whispered.

“No, Jack! I-” Deegan took a breath and trained his expression. Insulting. _Haven’t we known each other long enough? _

“I mean no offence, Edward. However you tend to be pragmatic and I just thought that that might be an attractive option for you.”

_Right._ He couldn’t deny the pragmatism, but he liked to think he had morals. Besides… “That wasn’t what I was thinking at all. I was going to suggest perhaps we just… send her elsewhere. I don’t mean back to the slavers just-” Deegan just wanted to keep his head down and tread his rut of more than 200 years, was that too much to ask for?

“Do you really think that’d help?”

He couldn’t help the frown. “No,” Deegan admitted quietly. “They might still have a grudge to settle if they figure out we had anything to do with it regardless if she’s still here or not.” _And they’d still be too close to the asylum even if they didn’t. _“Cat’s kind of out of the bag on this one I guess.”

Jack nodded. “I figured as much. Besides I can’t deny that I’m very curious as to what’s so important about Rose, and it’d be a shame to send her off without looking into it. One of the serums from her collar may have a use for extracting Lorenzo from the artifact if I refine it!”

_Of course._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wish I still worked in the basement so I could write during work lulz.
> 
> Adult life leaves me yearning once again.
> 
> [Godd Howard better give me more ghouls to kiss in the future]


	4. The Empress

Emogene’s room was nice. It made Rose’s mind itchy though; something about it was familiar. But that didn’t make any sense. She didn’t know anything more than the rooms that the Vultures had – only what Rat gave her. So nothing about such a well-kept room should be familiar.

Rose had realized quickly that she didn’t like staying in there very much, but it was her favorite place to spend time with Emogene. The common areas like the kitchen and the living room left her feeling prickly. She preferred to minimize her interaction with the rest of the Cabot family, especially Mrs. Cabot.

_You’re taking their stuff, intruding on their space – of course she’s not going to like you. You’re a drain on resources._ Rose hated the way the old lady stared at her though, like she was gross or nothing more than poorly domesticated mole rat. Somehow that bothered Rose more than the slavers seeing her as nothing more than a product to use and sell. Maybe because that was at least _familiar…_

She couldn’t stifle the yawn that paused her sketching. She could feel Emogene staring at her from the terminal.

“Did you not sleep well last night?” Emogene asked. Her clean fingers were poised above the keyboard. A loaded question.

Rose shook her head. _Sleep well? Can people do that? _She wondered as rubbed an eye. It had been the same as always: uneasy sleep for about two hours on Emogene’s floor, panic and go down to the basement to pace around for about an hour then fall asleep for another hour or two behind one of the crates. She hated sleeping.

The clacking of Emogene’s typing was interrupted by another question. “Do you want Jack to give you something for that?” Rose was shaking her head before the blonde woman even finished the question. “I know he could. Edward sometimes needs-” she stopped when Rose dropped the sketchbook to press her hands over her ears. More clacking.

Her head was on more right than usual today so Rose knew what Emogene was doing. Taking notes, studying her like some wild animal perhaps. For what though? What was the game? _Maybe they’re slipping me something and trying to study the side effects of it. _That was all fine though as Rose didn’t eat much of what they gave her since she preferred to pilfer still sealed containers of food from the basement and eat them barehanded before she was discovered.

Emogene was trying to get her attention. Rose dropped her hands and turned over her shoulder to look at her. Pretty blonde hair, big brown eyes, and pretty features… she’d fetch a price for Rat. _If they come here because of me… _Rose felt cold. She couldn’t go back though. She knew that Jake and Eddy were considering though. She overheard their conversation the other day. She had to be on better behavior.

“It’s okay Rose. Never mind it. I’m not going to force you to take any. I just thought it’d be better for you to get more sleep.”

_Right right._ Rose thought. Although… well they hadn’t really forced her to do anything so far. But this was a world of push and shove and eventually they had to give in somewhere if she couldn’t follow the rules. Everyone had their limits when it came to accommodating others, right?

Rat would let her sleep without shackles sometimes but he made her sleep heavy, so heavy it took too long for her to even be able to move her body once she woke up. “For your safety” he had told her, but Rose wasn’t sure of that. Sometimes she did lash out and attack them though when they wouldn’t get off her - when they hurt her - _when they just kept pushing._

Maybe it was for their safety then. _I shouldn’t have lashed out. If I hadn’t maybe it would’ve been easier. I would’ve been able to stay in my body more._ Rose ignored the thought of the other girls and women who had played by the rules so well, better than even Rat could expect. They jumped through every hoop and still ended up mutilated and dead. _Push push they loved to push because they **wanted** those girls to turn feral and it was no fun when they wouldn’t._ But then…

She couldn’t go back. Rose couldn’t go back to them. But she saw the world out there; she saw for herself how terrible to others everyone was. How they all ate each other soul and body. Perpetuated the pain they received, a cruel catharsis. Rose’s purpose had been to receive that pain and help others. But it didn’t seem to help. She didn’t want that role any longer.

_But I don’t want to hurt either. I don’t want to hurt others to feel better, _she thought. What role was there for her then? Just neither? She looked at Emogene, who was studying her with a sad look.

_She doesn’t hurt. She doesn’t get hurt. So what does she do?_ Was there some third role she wasn’t considering?

“Rose, are you okay? If you’re not feeling well I can get Jack.” _Jack, that’s his name. He doesn’t hurt either. And the ghoul. He killed those hurting me and the others. That hurt them but only for a second…_ Merciful death wasn’t common in Rose’s experience. _So he hurts but in a different way._

Rose shook her head slowly. Picking up the sketchbook again she went back to work on the lion she was drawing; yesterday she and Emogene had spent the day flipping through old nature books. Rose had listened to Emogene’s explanations of the animals with rapt attention. It almost made her forget about the world outside their clean walls. She had no issue reading any of the text but she liked listening to Emogene’s voice as she read things to her.

The animals were familiar to her. Emogene had told her that most of the animals hadn’t been around in a long long time but Rose’s experiences with the animals felt so real. She dreamt about raccoons and opossums during one of her fitful bouts of sleep. Of course she knew it was better to use pictures of the lions are references for her drawing. Memory was obviously a fickle creature.

Emogene’s gaze didn’t move. The dresser behind Rose was digging into her back. Rose pressed back harder and found some relief in the throb of complaint from her ribs. She was getting too much into her head again. _No matter what they say they might send you back. Rat will show up and make too much trouble. They’ll give you back – doesn’t matter what might possibly make you so special. _She set down the sketchbook once more with finality. The taste in her mouth was terrible.

Lights so bright and fabrics too soft. It was an elaborate dream.

“Are you done drawing, Rose?” Emogene was what? A mystical goddess? A cruel trickster?

Drawing? What was she drawing? _Ah, lions. I forgot._ She shrugged. Emogene’s face was too difficult to focus on and her words were fuzzy. Rose floated a bit.

“Can I see?” Rose skootched over and handed her the sketchbook. “This is really good, Rose! I’m surprised you liked the lions so much. I figured that you’d be more of a raccoon girl considering how long you wanted to look at those pictures.”

_I’ve seen one in person. I dreamt of them last night. _She wanted to say it. She wanted to just be able to say words. But if she got too used to that- got into the habit of it and then went back… if Rat found out she’d been talking it wouldn’t be good. Her mouth opened but she shut it.

“I’ll have to put a word in with Edward to see if he can get us some more pencils. It might been time for me to finally expand my colors.”

_Edward. The ghoul’s name? Yeah. But my name?_ She could hear it in her head. It was Rat’s voice – _Silver. Silver. Silver! _She knew that name, but Emogene was calling her a different one. She didn’t know her real name was Silver.

“Silver because you’re the silver lining, yah know?” He was standing next to Emogene but she didn’t seem to notice. He looked even more in focus than she did. “Silver has gotten pretty far from home, yeah? That’s naughty.” In his hand was the remote, cleaner looking than it had been when she saw it sitting in Jack’s lab the other day. “You won’t get far though… I have this after all.”

_Not real. Can’t be._

His thumb went to his favorite button though. Rose felt the weight of the collar – _click_. She felt the prick in her neck before she could even react. She jerked, falling back and hitting her head on the dresser so hard she saw stars.

“Rose!” Emogene was knelling in front of her when the stars cleared. Her face wide with concern.

The only pain was in her head. Her neck hadn’t turned to fire like she feared. Over Emogene’s shoulder Rose could see the room was empty. Rat wasn’t there – no one was.

_Huh. That’s new._ Rose shook her head and softly pushed Emogene back; the woman took the message easily and rolled back to sit on her heels. Rose rubbed the now tender spot on the back of head.

“Are you okay?” Rose nodded but Emogene didn’t abate. “What did you-”

“Are you okay?” Deegan sounded out of breath. “I heard a yell.”

Emogene frowned. “I’m fine, Edward. But Rose hit her head. Could you get some ice?” Deegan’s shoulders relaxed and he rubbed his forehead. “And fetch Jack too.”

Rose shook her head at that (she was fine so what was the point?) but it didn’t matter; moments later Deegan was back with a little pouch of ice and a very question happy Jack. She took a moment to stare at what basically was basically a holy grail out in the wastes, clean water _frozen_. It felt taboo for her to be holding it. Emogene, tired of watching the brunette just stare at the ice, positioned Rose’s hand to hold it against her head.

Of course it didn’t take long for Rose to be dazed by the speed of Jack’s questions. “Did you see something?” Rose nodded. “Someone.” A nod. “Are they still there?” A shake. “Was it someone you know?” Nod. “Do you believe it was real?” A pause. Shake.

“Who was it?” Emogene asked, ignoring Jack’s protest at the interruption.

Rose hesitated. She pointed to the spot on her chest where the brand was. Emogene’s eyebrows furrowed but Jack and Deegan understand immediately. “A slaver – she has a brand there,” Deegan explained as he lingered in the doorway.

“A brand? How – Edward, how do you know that?” The question was shamelessly accusatory but he didn’t take the bait. Emogene had a habit of rash conclusion and decision making. After more than 200 years you learn to not take it personally (unlike when Jack seems to accuse him of something, because he’s a calculating man).

“She showed it to us the other day when I asked if she knew what a sign on a piece of one of the collars meant. No need to accuse Edward of something lewd,” Jack admonished. “It’s some sort of bird-”

“Like a hawk?”

“I don’t believe that’s the type of bird it’s meant to represent but-” Rose tuned out Jack’s words as she picked up the animal encyclopedia once more to flip through. There wasn’t a picture since the book focused more on mammals than birds, but she managed to find a passage about scavengers eating the remnants of what predators killed.

_Thunk._ Rose managed to get their attention. She pointed to the word.

“Vultures,” Emogene read. There was a pause.

“She can read?” Jack asked loudly. Both Deegan and Emogene stared in open surprise. _Oops. _That was something she hadn’t meant to reveal really. _Oh well._

“You can read, Rose?” Emogene’s question was quieter than her brother’s. Luckily there wasn’t any accusation hidden behind this one, just surprise. When Rose nodded Emogene puffed out her cheeks and let out a breath. “I read so much to you because I thought you couldn’t…”

Rose pointed to Emogene, back to her own mouth, then to her ear before cupping the hand over her heart. This caused Emogene. “What, are you saying you like my voice?” When Rose nodded Emogene laughed again. “Flattery will get you everywhere.”

“That’s rare… a slave being able to read,” Deegan said.

Jack nodded. “Rare indeed. What age did you come to be in the slaver’s possession?”

Rose pointed to the word “vultures” again before shrugging. When Jack asked her how long she thought she’d been in the possession of the Vultures, Rose shrugged again before raising two fingers with another shrug.

“Two… years?” Deegan questioned. Rose nodded. “That’s a short time. Where were you before that?”

Rose hesitated. She’d never even _thought _of that before. Had she…? _I might’ve a long time ago. But I don’t remember now. _The question left her mind ajar. Who was she before? Why couldn’t she remember? Slavery felt like her whole life – but then why could she only remember back about two years? She shook her head slowly.

“Do you recall anything about your life before?” Jack asked.

She thought of the little snippets she’d been getting recently. The HIPPA (whatever that was) and the raccoons and the clean water… _That’s hardly anything though. _And she had to be honest; it’d take too long to try to communicate. She shook her head. _It’s not worth mentioning._

“It could be a drug induced memory loss,” Jack suggested as he knelt down. He produced a large flashlight from his pocket. “I’m going to take a quick check to make sure you haven’t given yourself a concussion.” His explanation didn’t help dull the annoyance the blinding light induced in Rose, but she dealt with it internally.

_Why does everything have to be so damn **bright**?_ Luckily it was only a headache behind her eyes and not a migraine.

“If it’s drug induced memory loss and she’s not taking drugs anymore could it come back?” Emogene questioned her brother as she stood up and dusted off her pants.

Jack shook his head. “Long-term drug induced memory loss is related more to brain damage. If it was related only to the drugs here memories should’ve started to come back already since I gave her the addictol. It could also be related to head trauma or PTSD,” he explained as he pocketed the flashlight. “Do you remember much about your time with the slavers?”

Rose held her thumb and forefinger very close together. On cue her head started to throb again and it wasn’t from the bump.

“I figured as much. It’s likely a complicated case of multiple factors. If she does gain access to any memories it’s likely that it’ll be very sparse and vague. She clearly has some access to memory and associations since she has such strong aversions to needles and drugs. And she can clearly form new memories and associations.”

“That’s good news?” Emogene fiddled with her hair.

“I would think so.”

“No hopes of those memories then?” Deegan’s voice was disappointed.

“Likely not, Edward.”

The ghoul sighed. “Are you sure, Jack? That does complicate matters a bit.”

“Complications are a part of life, Edward. I should think you knew that.” Rose could see that the ghoul look offput by that comment but he gave no objections. A little piece of guilt was starting to build inside her though; she should be able to warn them of what was possibly coming and why she was so special to her captors – but she couldn’t. It was putting everyone at risk clearly.

“Let’s just focus on keeping the asylum on lock down,” Jack added. Deegan nodded but said nothing.

_It’s your fault. You’re making their life more difficult. They’re going to realize you aren’t worth the trouble. _Rose frowned but she couldn’t smother the little voice. It morphed into Rat’s voice. _Just go home. Accept it._ She shook her head vigorously. “No-” her voice was tight and strained “no back. Please.” Her hands went to her neck.

All eyes in the room were on her but she could hardly pay that any mind. Her throat was hurting so bad. She kept shaking her head.

Emogene echoed her words “no back” before kneeling down again. “Of course not, Rose. We won’t send you back! What gave you that idea...” Rose’s head shaking stopped but her eyes must’ve strayed to the men because Emogene tensed immediately. Her head snapped towards them. “What-” her voice was wound tight “did you say to her?”

Jack jumped. “Nothing!”

“Well she thinks we’re going to hand over for some reason.” She only wasn’t yelling for Rose’s sake. Physically she was bubbling like a lid on an over-boiled pot.

“Edward and I just had a passing mention of subverting the whole ordeal that-”

“Subverting the ordeal? By giving her up? In front of her? Do you think she’s deaf?”

“Emogene, you’re missing the whole idea! We immediately decided that giving her up, even sending her elsewhere-”

“Sending her elsewhere?!” Emogene’s voice rose.

“- wouldn’t help. It wouldn’t make anything easier for us so it was useless to even be beneficial to follow through on.”

Emogene pinched the bridge of her nose. “I knew you had little decorum, Jack, but this is bad even for you. You and Edward decided that was the kind of discussion to have in front of her?”

“Quietly-”

“Not quietly enough! Clearly!”

“It’s not Jack’s fault. I brought it up-”

“Stay out of this, Edward.” Emogene snapped. “Jack I don’t care how fast you decided it wasn’t a good decision. It shouldn’t have even been mentioned.” She sighed angrily. “Rose,” she took on a softer tone, “I want to make it abundantly clear that we are, under no circumstances, going to send you back or elsewhere. You’re safe with us. Those two just had an apparent _lapse in judgement_.”

Rose flinched though. There was no way Jack or Deegan wouldn’t be upset with her now for causing Emogene to chew them out. _Retribution._ She spared a glance at the defeated Jack and _very_ tense Deegan. _Retaliation._ She counted the fibers in the carpet.

“I’m very sorry, Rose.” She looked through her eyelashes at Jack. “Edward and I really didn’t mean to give you the impression that we were thinking of giving you back. That’s not an option. We all want to help you.” _Sure. _But just how far did that help extend?

She knew what the world was like. She couldn’t expect anyone to bend over backwards, risking their own neck, for her - glorified stranger barging into their house.

Deegan didn’t say anything and he starred resolutely at the fan in the room. Emogene dismissed both of them with a wave of her hand. They left without incident.

“Do you feel better?”

Rose nodded, water dripping down her neck from the ice pouch.

That night Rose didn’t bother lying around in Emogene’s room any longer than it took for the blonde to fall asleep. As soon as her breathing became steady and measured Rose slipped away into the basement. It was closer to Deegan’s room. She figured she might as well get it over with. She settled on the unforgiving wood floor outside his door. A yardstick she had found next to one of the crates when she came down, sat beside her.

_I hope he didn’t take any of that sleeping serum Jack makes._ Rose sighed. It didn’t matter, she wouldn’t be able to sleep regardless even if he had.

It took longer than Rose had thought it would. She was in a droopy eyes state of almost-sleep when his door finally opened. Deegan stumbled, stopping just short of stepping on her and swore under his breath.

“What-” Deegan rubbed his eyes. His voice was even deeper and gravellier than Rose previously thought was possible for him. “Rose? What are you doing.”

The half state of sleep was gone now and replaced with a complete awareness – with perhaps a bit of floating. She didn’t want to be completely aware of the retaliation. Without a word (a change, right?) Rose picked up the yardstick and offered it to him.

Deegan took it without a word. Lifting it up, he inspected it closely. His bloodshot eyes glanced between her and the object she offered. Confusion didn’t even begin to sum up his expression.

Rose attempted to hasten the process along; lowering her head and lifting up her arms to him, palms up, Rose opened her posture to him. She couldn’t see him any longer but she could hear the rustle of clothing as he shifted his weight.

“I don’t understand – it’s…” He sucked in a breath. An almost gasp. “Do you… you want me to hit you? You gave this to me to hit you with?” His voice was a mixture of realization and annoyance. Rose nodded. “Why the hell would I do that?”

It was Rose’s turn to be confused. She couldn’t help but look up at him with furrowed eyebrows. _What could I do to explain? _After considering her options Rose lowered one hand to point to her hidden brand.

Deegan’s face drained of all expression. Rose braced herself in anticipation. But the moment seemed to drag on and the ghoul continued to not move. _Is he even blinking?... am I even blinking? _Rose blinked twice.

Eyes trailing down to the yardstick in his grasp, Deegan glared at it. “You think that I’d hit you… because of what happened earlier? With Emogene?” Rose nodded. “Because she got mad at me and Jack?” Another nod. “For a very valid reason, might I add?” There was no nod this time.

Rose’s eyes were narrowed and questioning. _Was it though? Was that deserved? That’s a weird way to see it._

“I _was_ mad but not at you,” Deegan said as he held her gaze. “Emogene was right. I should’ve been more aware of where I was when I brought up that topic. It probably would’ve been _better_ if I hadn’t brought it up at all, I know. But… it’s my job to protect the family. I have to consider it from all angles.”

_So no moral angle then? _A voice in Rose’s head that didn’t feel like her own chimed in. She couldn’t fault him, despite what the voice was saying though, because it was a dog eat dog world and it was a matter of protecting one’s interests. _At least he has loyalty to the Cabot family. I’m sure he considered the fact of Rat paying him handsomely for my return._

There was a long pause but Rose didn’t sense the conversation having reached its end already. Deegan remained tense with words he was considering. Finally he started to voice his thoughts.

“Don’t think that it-” he shrugged one shoulder vaguely, “wouldn’t have haunted me though. Even if it had been the best choice in the end, it would’ve hung over my shoulder. I lie in that bed every night caught up over the choices I made but-” Deegan set down the yardstick. “I don’t think any of them would’ve compared if I had made _that_ choice.”

Rose was getting the sense that Deegan’s loose lips were more of a symptom of his lack of sleep than his trust in her. Not like Rose would turn around and _tell _anyone else about it though.

“And maybe at the end of the day… I wouldn’t have been able to do it. I like believe that I’m capable of performing my job like a good guard but…” He shifted once more as he finally seemed to become aware of just who he was talking to. He looked behind him, back into his room for someone unknown reason. “I’m not going to be taking part in whatever you expected to happen here – retaliation or whatever you’d like to call it. Go to bed.”

Suddenly terse and annoyed Deegan turned on his heel and shut his door with a firm, but quiet, finality. Rose stared at it dumbly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *clenches fist* I just really love angst and hurt and comfort and character's accidentally oversharing their worries and insecurities. 
> 
> Maybe I'll just work on this for NaNoWriMo.
> 
> Anyone else plan on partaking this year?

**Author's Note:**

> If you've read all the way down here, thank you so much! There's more to come. I'm sure of it!
> 
> Kudos and comments are practically love letters for me~


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